Monday, February 25, 2013

"Post-vacation depression"...

Remember that feeling when you were first alone at home with your new baby?  The company had gone, the excitement had diminished and your husband had to go back to work?  For me that feeling was overwhelming, probably much like post partum depression... an empty stomach, empty heart, dark, long day ahead kinda feelin'...unsettled and lacking in peace. 

Well, my babies are grown but I still get that very same feeling... whenever vacation is over.

It's not that we had a fabulous, extra special, super fun February vacation either because we didn't.  We spent a lot of time right here at home.  We spent a lot of time doing pretty much nothing... but we were together.  Safe.

Dropping them off each day at the doorway of life is hard.  It was hard when they were little and it's even harder now.  I love having them home... even when they fight, bicker, complain, roll their eyes and say they are bored... they are here.  Safe. 

Even when I act all put out, yell, complain about their messes, roll MY eyes (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree) and get all stressed out because the house is in utter shambles... they are here.  Safe.

It's no secret that I have a little trouble trusting God with my kids.

And I hate that. 

We dedicated them to the Lord as wee little babies.  We promised to raise them up to love and serve God, to the best of our ability.  We promised to trust Him with their little (and big) lives.  Why is it so hard for me to do that?

It's not that I don't try. 

Each morning before my feet even hit the floor (and often in the middle of the night) I pray that they will have a good day, be protected from all the bad language (and trust me, that's the very LEAST that I ask their protection from... I'm saving you from the gory details of my earnest prayers), be safe, make good choices, be a blessing to others... and I pray that I will have peace while they are away.

Then I drop them off and there doesn't seem to be peace. 

Obviously we're a very real part of this world.  Obviously we can't live in a cave or a place where they never see the light of day or the dark of the world.  Obviously I have trust issues.

One of Caleb's friends posted his favorite Bible verse on his facebook page a while back and it quickly became Jared's favorite too.  I often catch him opening his Bible and reading that portion of scripture over and over.  I know he's working on believing it with his whole heart...

Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31:6

I'm workin' on it too...

1st day of school, 2005
Would YOU be able to leave that face
and be happy about it?


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