Saturday, April 20, 2013

Sneak peek into the future...

As I sit here on a cloudy and kinda somber Saturday afternoon, fresh cup of coffee in hand, and listen... I don't hear anything.  It's silent.  Completely.  I love the quiet, but this silence finds me with a little lump in my throat.

As I turn a little to my right, I catch a glimpse of Josh outside chasing the chickens... top speed... screaming at them to see how fast they can run.  Jon is tinkering on the boat, stopping every now and then to make sure he knows where Josh is and sometimes conversing with him (read:  yelling at him to stop terrorizing the chickens). 

Abby is off with a friend and the boys are with their cousins.  Today, it's just the three of us.

When Josh was first born, one of my (very selfish) first thoughts was that Jon and I would never be just the two of us.  It would always be the three of us... me, Jon and Josh... it felt like forever.  

Another thought that took up residence in my heart was this... I hoped Josh was 'bad' enough that he didn't realize he was being left out of things... like when his siblings were off with their friends.

(By "bad enough" I obviously hoped he was affected enough by his Down Syndrome that he wouldn't realize the happenings around him, or be bothered by them.  How awful is that?  Honest, but awful.)

Well, he's not 'bad' enough.  In fact, he completely loathes when his siblings are anywhere but here at home with him.

"Where's Abby?  What time home?"
"Where'd Jared go?  What time is he be home?"
"Where is Caleb go?  What time he be home? "

Over and over.

And it's just beginning... his brothers and sister are just now starting to be off doing things with their friends a lot.  They are at the age when being at home with us is kinda boring (altho, they are homebodies at heart so they never leave for long). 

And it's just beginning... Josh notices (and dislikes) that they are not here, that he can't go with them, hasn't been invited, isn't getting phone calls and wonders (out loud and very often) why he can't go.

And it's just beginning... it's just the three of us... me, Jon and Josh.

With everything in me I know that just the three of us is okay.  Even wonderful. With everything in me I wouldn't change one little chromosome of those that make up Josh. Not one.


I'd be lying if I didn't say it doesn't trample my heart sometimes.

He loves spending time with his dad (me?  not so much, dad is always the fun one).  And, truth be told, I think perhaps Jon loves it more than Josh because he gets to act like a kid... he jumps like a superhero, sings with no thought (or care) to who's listening, and all too often chases chickens alongsideJosh.  All of that is swell.


I don't know.  Sometimes it just feels like forever.  I guess this is one of those days. 

me, Jon and Josh 
(taking pics to amuse him after hip surgery, 2010)

 feeding the ducks... just the two of them

oldie... but his smile here always makes ME smile 

Disclaimer (why do I always feel the need to explain myself?):  I fully understand that it may not be just the three of us forever.  I fully understand that Josh might even get married, live on his own, etc.  I'm not holding him back or making assumptions about his future based upon his diagnosis. But, I am a realist.  I'm okay if none of that happens.  If he leaves our nest empty then I will celebrate with him and for him.  If it's just the three of us... then that's okay too.  We sure will do a lot of laughing.  Together.

All that said and my coffee is no longer fresh and I hear fireworks outside.  Told you Jon loves having him around... gives him an excuse to play with matches.  



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