The first hours...
When I first set eyes on Josh, I knew he had Down Syndrome. It's the eyes... can't mistake 'em. Everyone was quiet tho, so I certainly didn't ask quickly. Finally, I asked my nurse and she answered my question with a question... "what makes you think he has Down Syndrome?" She was very calm, but her tone gave it away. We already knew he was struggling to breath... and didn't know why... and now THIS? Soon, words like heart defect and trisomy 21 and O2 sats and ventricular septal defect and pulmonary hypertension and transfer to Boston started flying around the room.
Really God? Just yesterday I was bragging about my 3 day "vacation" when the baby was born.
I began praying.
As Jon went to the nursery to be with Josh, I was alone in my room. I'm sure I was only alone for minutes, but it certainly did seem like days. Close to an eternity...
But God was there.
God calmed my fears and gave me a song (okay, that might sound really silly but how else can you explain me singing a children's song in the midst of this crisis?). The lyrics were this...
All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
all things wise and wonderful:
the Lord God made them all.
I knew instantly that everything was going to be okay. I knew that whether or not he lived or died... everything would be okay. I just wasn't sure which one of those I was more scared of (told you, real life feelings here)!
I knew that God created Joshua beautiful and small and wonderful... I just wasn't sure about the other words in those lyrics. What about bright and great and wise God? I didn't question God's goodness, I questioned my ability. But even in my uncertainty, God gave peace. And hope. And love.
Almost 9 years have passed the feelings are all still very real. I'd like to say I don't continue to question my ability, but I'd be lying. I'd like to say things have been really great every day, but I'd be lying. I'd like to say I haven't asked God... on more than 1 occasion... why He picked ME to be Josh's mom, but I'd be lying. I can say with certainty tho, that God CONTINUES to give peace and hope and more love than my heart can even contain. People don't understand when I say I'm thankful for Down Syndrome. But I am.